The beginning of the End

2008-09-03T23:30:00.000-04:00

Growing up I had the classic tale (as it is now) of just my mother and I. I loved my father but he was hooked on drugs and broke too many promises (oh let the trust issues begin). He always would say he was coming and never showed up. I know far too many people have gone through the same thing. Anyway, my grandmother would always talk about how horrible he was and how stupid my mother was for marrying him which made me feel worthless because what small child wants to hear this no matter how true it may be. Once I got older she would eventually say the best thing to come out of this whole situation was you; well now, it's nice to finally be recognized as a positive. Now, I know my dad had issues and so many people in my family were hooked on drugs or had been through rehab that I kind of understood things but not really. My mother sheltered me from a lot of things and who knows what kind of effect that had on me (smile). She was a wonderful mother though and took care of me the best she could but she couldn't always be there especially when she went back to college to be able to take care of me better.

Her not being there resulted in me being molested by my cousin. Maybe molested is a harsh word, maybe I should say touched inappropriately. Now, to this day I still love my cousin and I forgive him for what happened but it caused me to start detaching myself from myself. I had never breathed a word of this to anyone but my husband until a few years ago and I'm close to 30 now so that should say how it went over with my family. So after it all came out I had another cousin ask me what I remembered and in all honesty I remembered none of it except for two times and other than that I removed my person from my body and became a shell, which was something that would be constantly used when I got older.

At the age of 12 I had my first boyfriend and I only went with him because everyone said he was popular and blah, blah, blah. I mean we had been friends since 5th grade so I didn't see it. He was also my first kiss. As soon as I began to like him he dumped me for an even thinner girl and I was skinny so just imagine her and she was supposed to be my friend. Now, this was middle school so it was way in the past but still at the time it hurt and I wore out my BoysIIMen tape (yes, tape). I'm going to jump ahead a little with this one even though I'm going to have to go back to fill in the years in between. Me and Riq, well, we wound up going to highschool together and even got back together in 12th grade. Things went pretty smoothly but I cheated sort of; I kissed someone else. I hurt him because like a dummy I told him but I loved him and honestly I still do but because he was my friend from 5th grade when we were 10 and here we were about to be 18 and still friends. Well, we got back together after that and then we went to the prom which I didn't have fun at but it is what is, or, was what it was. We chose two colleges in two different states and I was hurt again by the same person. On my 18th birthday I came home for the weekend just to see him and he broke up with me in the effing restaurant; can you believe that? So, uhm, yeah, hurt again but I bounced back quick from that one, afterall I was in college.

Time for the rewind button.

When I was 13 almost 14 I met this light eyed 16 year old boy named Ron and he had this deep voice and back then I was caught up in the older boy who, well, he was older. I let this fool take my virginity and it was good but if I could do it again I wouldn't have. After that first time it was really nothing much else going on after that but then somehow we wound up being together again and I really didn't want to do it. I wound up crying the entire time and when it was over I was bleeding. I never wanted to have sex again and to add insult to injury he slept with one of my best friends and it wasn't even a pretty one; it actually was one who everybody thought was slow but they all said she was a hoe.

At 14, the very next year, I was raped by a neighbor. Of course I lied about who did it because I was scared that something might happen to me. He was just supposed to be giving me a ride home from the el but it wound up being so much more and the absolute worst part was he did take me home at the end but he gave me $10 to thank me. How do you thank anyone in anyway who is screaming stop, get off of me? Don't you understand that this person is not enjoying it and you are forcing your fat, sweaty, nasty ass on her? I felt so low and so dirty. I didn't know what to do, or how to feel, or how to act or anything. I told my friends but that was it and one had the nerve to tell me I wanted it. I didn't want that nor would I wish that on my worst enemy. That experience changed me and definitely not for the better. My mom noticed a change in my attitude and eventually had to tell her what was going on. My wonderful mother who had lied about being raped as a teenager because she was pregnant thought I was doing the same thing and didn't believe me. Well, she wound up taking me to the GYN and by the way I reacted to the pap they assured her that I had been raped. I mean I really freaked out; it was like being violated all over again.

The years and any relationship after that was a downward spiral. I constantly picked guys who would force themselves on me and my self esteem which was already low became lower and I figured the only way to get love was to have sex. I didn't enjoy it and I removed myself and my body became a hollow shell; I don't even remember the sexual experience but I know there were too many partners than I should have had. I had to go through years of therapy which made me relieve heartache and pain and abuse. I never had time to heal and I used sex to, actually it did nothing.

Once I became an adult the behavior didn't change but in 2000 I met my husband while I was messing with his friend. I liked my husband instantly and I messed up like I did so often and threw it at him, of course he took it though. And while he was a good friend at times he also was the one who hurt me the most with words and actions. I chose him but it didn't seem to matter because what he thought he knew of my past was just there in his face and he let me know how he felt of me all the time (it's a shock we wound up together) but us meeting is where my story begins and how I feel at this moment is why this has the title it does.

An Unsettled Heart

The beginning of the End